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... circumstances indicate that the path
to your destination twists and turns in a
bewildering way. Your insight, however,
can penetrate and make sense of confusion.
-definition, juxtaposition from Tarot.comGo to the bathroom first.
Then drink deep from your mystical cup.
Pry your ghost loose from its shell,
and find a right space for your words.
Point out the middle path, and
reconcile the polarities. Bring
creativity and flexibility to
the way you go about your way
in the world. Move slowly and
deliberately if change is required.
Don't be too proud to ask for someone's
help. Sometimes you do get it.
What kinds of negative messages,
self-doubt or paranoid fantasies
descend upon you from time to time?
Don't let them undermine your ability
to be who you are and to contribute.
Examine them and give them each a name,
and identify them as separate from you
(imagining them as little demons can help).
This will increase your dominion over them.
Turn the page. Write the next line.
Take my foot off the brake already!
A path is traversed one step at a time.
A navigator can help you find the way.
Is it a lantern, or only an hourglass?
Simon says: take a baby step, baby. Why must we dream in metaphors?
Try to hold on to something we couldn't understand.
SealSoundtrack: Seal - Dreaming in Metaphors |
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Go, PowerCat, go!
Walking home from work last evening,
I walked into the wind.
Walking to work this morning,
I walked into the wind.
I feel on the verge of uplift --
but the wind is always in front,
and I don't know how to sail.
Or remember, yet, how to fly. A man traveling through the darkness
is yet traveling. The disciple is learning
when he does not know that he is learning,
and as a result he may well chafe. In winter,
Rumi reminds him, a tree is collecting nutriment.
People may think that it is idle, because they
do not see anything happening. But in spring
they see the buds. Now, they think, it is working.
There is a time for collecting, and a time for
releasing. This brings the subject back to
the teaching: "Enlightenment must come little
by little—otherwise it would overwhelm."
Idries ShahI realize that I am very lucky.
It is a measure of my own 'success'
that I have room to look for more.
Sitting out in the sun to read, it helps.
And the scent of hyacinths, in the market.
On the verge of something I feel, I can't see.
I try to savor today, yet can't help but ask:
is it tomorrow yet? Discipline is remembering what you want.
bmindful affirmations(seem to be a) verb: following the faintest trail Soundtrack: Seal - Fast Changes |
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Where's your head at?
Where's your head at?
Basement Jaxx
Is it fair to make this post just after midnight?
In a new month, to boot?
Yesterday: felt like the first time I've breathed
for days. I still had moments of anger and wasn't
being productive, but I cleaned out some stuff.
- walk outside
- see the sun
- mail a box
- have chai
- get more radishes
- return all library books
- drop off recycling
- listen to music
- work on stretching my mind
- share some time
- stay warm
- be sadly amused
- remember "I could have told you that at Cardosa"
- plan for future organizing
- continue research
Today:
- go to sleep. Your first draft of any piece of work is "mud" ---
raw material.... If the first draft's awful, great!
It's meant to be. It's only raw material. However,
if you don't create the first draft, or you wait
until you have a really great idea that's worth a
first draft, you won't write anything. Write. Make mud.
-Angela Booth(seem to be a) verb: thirsty for liquid sunshine Soundtrack: Crack the Sky - Hold On (live) |
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We can talk all night, We can talk all day
We can play charades when there is nothing to say
You turn me on to the idea of growing old
The Features
Assimilate your information.
Do the thing you are meant to be doing.
Yours. Not anyone else's -- not your mother's,
your best friend's, or the President's.
Your thing. Right now, and tomorrow too.
Write first. Worry later. Or not at all. For those of us who are too headstrong to learn from
human beings, lessons will duly arrive in the guise of
Situations, Dreams, and other Self-Generative Activities.
Antero Alli, in _Angel Tech_ (1st ed.)
It's only the future.
Don't forget to breathe.
(And if you need to dream, try sleeping.)
Thank you, Sondra Venable. Do you remember
Standing on the shore,
Head in the clouds,
Your pockets filled with dreams
Bound for glory
On the seven seas of life,
But, the ocean is deeper than it seems
Baby, baby, baby, baby,
You'll find that you're the only one
Can sail your ship across the sky
WhitesnakeSoundtrack: Roberto Miles - Children |
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Irrational idea for today:
Get angry at yourself for all those things not done,
and just give up. Why bother? Who cares, really?
Write down the facts.
Down time. Dead time. Resentment. Resistance.
Have not been as productive at work recently.
Didn't write words three of the last five days.
Forgot to use two coupons to save on books.
Have done zero shopping for the holidays yet,
and have no idea what to get anyone, either.
Spent a week waiting on someone to call me back
about something important, albeit not urgent.
Skipped possible dancing opportunities twice.
Can't focus on anything to look forward to.
Connected with the divine all Wednesday night --
but connected with nothing since then.
Write down your subjective self-talk.
"You'll never accomplish what you want to.
You're going nowhere right now and that will
never ever change. Everything before this was
just a lie, to get your hopes up. You're not
paying attention to anything or anyone important
and you are unable to change your bad patterns.
Look at your inconsistent control of your diet.
Think of all the things you haven't done by now.
You hate the 'holiday season'/this time of year,
and you resist any encouragement or insistence
from others to be happy, or participate in it;
it is unnatural not to enjoy this, and you have
no right to be/feel so different from others."
Describe your emotional response.
I feel like I'm not who or what I think I am,
and that's frustrating after a too short period
of feeling better and more "me" than usual. I feel
like I must not really have the self-discipline
or abilities I envision myself as having, and so
I'm a terrible being - a waste of time and space.
I also hate having my schedule/routine disrupted;
and Thanksgiving through New Year's is a time
every year when that happens to me.
I also really hate being told by others that I
"have to", "should" or "must" do certain things --
even if I agree and believe in them, or not.
And then I hate myself for not being thoughtful
of others, and for not sharing their happiness.
I have become so afraid to look forward to the
future for fear of disappointment. I'm afraid
to try to change things -- even broken ones --
for fear of renewed, or different, failure.
Then I'm mad at myself for not even living up to
my own expectations - for not finding hope in
things - for not going forward all the time.
Dispute and change irrational self-talk.
I don't normally regret for long things, esp
minor ones, which I have not done once they are
past. Also, I am usually good about discharging
my obligations without undue resentment. I must
be feeling a lot of extra performance pressure
imposed on me by myself and perhaps (knowingly
or otherwise) by others. Part of this may be my
(mis)perception of others' expectations of me...
I know this time of year is always very difficult
for me, when it gets dark and cold and my routine
is thrown off, and I don't feel like celebrating.
I also know I am often afraid of change because
I don't know what will happen afterwards --
and I may not be in control of what does.
This is all conflicting with my desire that
*this year*, "things will be different":
because I have things I really want to do
and relationships that I want to maintain,
or improve, despite my feeling lethargic and
disconnected, and overwhelmed by pressure.
Substitute alternative, rational self-talk.
You've run into a whole bunch of roadblocks!
Let's take them one at a time out of that wall.
You do good work, and that will continue.
However, you would like periodic feedback
from others that you are helpful and useful.
At present, you're not getting much of that.
But you will have your annual review soon and
that should tell you where you stand and what
you can do to improve yourself or help others.
You did write, two days out of five. Both days
you did extra beyond your (self-imposed) goal.
Two of those other days you did some research
that you've recorded in your notes to support
your upcoming work. Plus you should have some
help with your research as you get organized
and know what -- or who -- to ask for.
More books? You have plenty to go through yet!
There will be other chances -- and coupons --
whenever you finally need more reference works.
As for your unhappiness about holiday shopping,
this is a manifestation of your fears about money,
uncertainty, and simple lack of time, as well as
frustration with insistent insanity in spite of
both negative and positive reality checks. However,
you generally shop for others via wish lists and
gift cards. You also try to help others who need it,
via charity donation requests or invisible acts of
kindness. It all happens, at an appropriate level,
in a way that works for both you and the recipients.
You did collect needed contact and resources
information, so that you can now proceed with
settling something you've procrastinated about.
You are taking steps to take care of yourself in
smaller and larger ways; however, there will be
moments when you fall down, for whatever reason.
Blaming yourself never helps get you back up.
You have celebrated, and will celebrate, with
someone important to you; even if you do feel
fear of the implicit acknowledgment that time
passes, you can still be grateful for all the
time that is, and all your presences in it.
In addition, you are back in touch with people
both close and far away from you, and you have
another chance to let them know what they mean
to you. You can do things you want to. It's ok
to balance that with what others want you to do.
Remember: a phone is simply a tool. Use it.
Notice your thoughts and feelings,
acknowledge them non-judgementally,
and let them go.
I feel these things. They may or may not be
rational, but I do not discount that I feel.
Refuting the irrational idea:
Look back. It was not a lie; it is your path.
Look down. Those are your feet, standing still.
Look forward. There is your chance to take steps.
Look up. Remember standing in a concrete courtyard
a few nights back, all those lights shining upwards
and one star looking down through reflected glory?
You haven't left the universe, any more than it's
left you. It finds you even in this. The universe
has a weird sense of humor, you see, by making you
go through ecstacy just to get to the laundry.
Fear of failure is understandable, especially when
you have been used to success. But the worst that
can happen could still be for the best if it frees
you from further fear of failure. So why not try?
Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't,
I give myself reasons why I can.
-anonymous
Tactics:
Listen to any music that helps right now.
Skip the rest until sumer is icumen in.
If there's blockage in the way, you have always
found my own unique way to get past it. Use your
innate resistance, rather than feeling used by it.
They say you can't, or you shouldn't? Say: "I can.
I will. I must. And no, I won't let you stop me."
Aikido your critics with their own negative energy.
Continue to get rid of ten things a day
to make room for the ten thousand things.
Then you will have what matters most to you.
Breathe.
Breathe once just to go in and out.
Breathe twice, to reestablish the pattern.
Breathe threefold -- for those who were,
for those who are, and for that which will be.
Then keep on breathing, however you do it.
Continue to celebrate even the smallest things.
If you don't share another's joy at this time,
don't disrespect it. Find it in your own terms.
If only the fact that the year, and the wheel,
will continue to turn -- that spring will come.
Listen to others -- but find your own voice.
If you hear a voice within you say
'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint,
and that voice will be silenced.
-Vincent Van Gogh(seem to be a) verb: unable to find the right feast Soundtrack: John Hartford - Crystallia Daydream / Johnny Cash - Five Feet High and Rising |
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Exhilaration is that feeling you get just
after a great idea hits you and just before
you realize what's wrong with it.
-Anonymous
Recently I asked for any recommendations of good works
in two specific genres: U.S. Civil War fiction and
alternate histories. (That's the short form of it.)
Lest you think I am not open-minded or omnivorous
even when I'm immersed in my own ongoing insanity,
here's what comes home with me when I have .5 hours
in the local library.
_Voices of the Civil War: The Peninsula_ - Time-Life Books.
_Daily Life in Civil War America_ - Volo and Volo.
Think you see a theme there? Guess again!
_Murder at Manassas_ - Kilian
Not only historical USCW fiction, but a mystery!
_Modesty Blaise: the Night of Morningstar_ - O'Donnell
Wait, where did that come from [a "people are reading"
display. Have earlier books in series and love them.]
_This Business of Urban Music_ - Walker
Left field? One of my favorite books last year was a
terrific handbook on concert touring and promotion.
_Green Inc.: an environment insider reveals how a
good cause has gone bad_ - Macdonald
More inside information on an industry I'm curious
out. I'm more fanatical than many of my friends but
not as rabid as some. Willing to listen but keeping
an open mind (and still believing that doing things
to save the world may help oneself before all else).
_The Animal Dialogues: uncommon encounters in the
wild_ - Childs
Right off the new books shelf. Don't listen to public
radio so have never heard of this nature essayist, but
anything that mentions "the North American cheetah"
on the back of the book has a good chance with me. ;)
_The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse_ -
Rankin
Paperback so I can read while standing up on subway.
Great title. A serial killer in a toy town? Try it.
_Adventure Guide to the Virgin Islands_
Under negotiation. Warmth in Jan. or Feb.? Maybe...
_Night Child_ - Jes Bartis
Occult forensics in Vancouver. [Technically, this
isn't from *this* library, but 2/3rds in has become
unexpectedly good writing so deserves a mention.] I have no desire to prove anything by dancing.
I have never used it as an outlet or a means of
expressing myself. I just dance. I just put my feet
in the air and move them around.
-Fred Astaire(seem to be a) verb: doing a drive-by Soundtrack: Django Reinhardt - Sheik of Araby |
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It takes a great deal of history to produce
a little literature.
-Henry JamesSeanan McGuire has an interesting essay on
Know Your Territory: that one needs to be
somewhat familiar with the genre one is writing in.
Sadly, this applies hard to me: I am creatively stranded
in unfamiliar territory. I read a wide variety of stuff --
not just "speculative fiction" -- BUT I am not familiar
at all with the subgenre of alternative history. My soul
is firmly rooted in heroic fantasy, dammit! Nonetheless,
somehow I got this idea that wouldn't go away....
I agree with her in principle and I am trying to do this,
but it has some problems. The most irritating thing about
working on this alternate history idea has been not doing
the historical research (or even doing the writing itself,
though it's early yet) -- it's been doing just this kind
of "market research" on other books "in the genre".
It's been like adding 50% again on top of all the other
work one is doing to unearth and ground one's writing
PLUS having to suffer through stuff that isn't good, or
isn't right, or simply isn't "what I want to do with it".
[Or rarely, it's so good one despairs, at least for a few
minutes. Then one grits and grinds and gnashes one's
competitive teeth together and gets on with it again.]
Specifically in my situation, where does one draw the line?
What is "alternative history"? _Guns of the South_, sure,
but how about _Gone With The Wind_? Gingrich-Forstchen's
_Gettysburg_ series looks to be popular, but it's almost a
polar opposite of the kind of fiction I want to write. If
that's what people really want, maybe I'm doomed. [Or is it
just a matter of getting a vaguely-related celebrity name
on the book cover? *rolls eyes* If it was a choice of "by
Sarah Palin and..." or not being published, WWTDCD? :P ]
So I agree with her -- and yet.... :) Maybe I need help.
I turn to you, dear reader, for you are reading this and
I blithely assume you may read other things as well.
Have you ever read anything that you consider either:
(a) a *good* work about the Civil War era? Emphasis here
is on fictional works, but if you have a favorite auto/bio
or nonfiction item, go ahead and rave about it. I may read
those too -- someday. Major bonus points for anything that
conveyed the flavor of the time without being ponderous, and
the characters didn't seem too anachronistic (or saintly!).
(b) a well-done alternative history piece? Doesn't have to be
U.S. Civil War, but it would help if its backing history is not
*too* obscure. 14th century Ojibwa culture may be Fascinating
enough for Mr. Spock, but I lack time to immerse myself in it.
I am aware of David Weber and Eric Flint, and Patrick O'Brien.
Go ahead and explain what appeals to you in them! Bonus points
if you can convince me to read them.
Thanks in advance just for reading this. Also if you respond. If you want writing time in your day, you have to
take it—no one will give it to you. Often, you can
only take it from your own alternate activities;
writers' lives tend to get rather stripped-down
for that reason.
-Lois McMaster Bujold(seem to be a) verb: drinking from two mugs Soundtrack: GT and the Destroyers - You Can't Catch Me |
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Space is dark
It is so endless
When you're lost
It's so relentless--
-HawkwindMaybe it's ok to feel a little bit empty.
Maybe it means that you have grown bigger
and are waiting for something else to fill you.
Pearls aren't a behavior -- they're a result.
If you can't do it on schedule,
at least do it. Progress always involves risk;
you can't steal second base and
keep your foot on first base.
-Frederick WilcoxIf you can look outside yourself,
there are other people out there.
Course, that goes for inside, too.
Sometimes, one realizes that one foot
got one a lot farther than one realized.
Beat the dog and the lion will behave.
Thank you, George P. Kelley. Just lie down on the floor and keep calm.
John Dillinger
(as quoted by Robert Anton Wilson)(seem to be a) verb: counting the future Soundtrack: The KLF - Last Train to Transcentral |
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Many people hear voices when no-one is there.
Some of them are called mad and are shut up on rooms
where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called
writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
Meg Crittenden
Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.
Thomas Berger(seem to be a) verb: poking cold nose into the mud Soundtrack: Crack the Sky - Mind Baby [live @ Recher Theatre] |
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One of the problems of being a writer is in
identifying "time off." If the book is always
running in your head, niggling at your brain,
you're never quite altogether present to
the people you're with.
Lois McMaster Bujold
Today's word is "gasconading": to brag, bluff, boast.
Use in a sentence, please?
Autobiographies of Civil War Generals are often full of
gasconading.
Just sayin'. ;)
These can be like watching a car crash in slow motion.
You know eventually such utter self-delusion is going to
run smack into relative historical truth, and the result
is going to be pieces of self-image splattered all over
the pages of countless non-fiction books arguing whether
said general was a plaster saint, or the devil incarnate.
As for fiction... well, that's why it's called fiction.
*evil grin*
Some words got written this week. Not enough, but some.
Time got eaten by living people, rather than the dead.
(Look, I am grateful for friends, but I'm one of those
weird people who needs sleep on top of everything else.
Which would you rather me have - balance, or my sanity?
I'll settle for one. What I can't cope with is neither.)
However, the outline got some very helpful annotations
which I hope will lead to mo' better words down the pike.
Plus I'm figuring out how to concentrate the research to
lead to a kiloword or two of original writing most days.
Now if I could accomplish that every day, for 200+ days?
I would be a lot farther along than I am. *rolls eyes*
But seriously, I need boundaries -- even artificial ones --
or I get daunted. Don't ask me how it's going -- I'm all too
likely to tell you before I stop myself from babbling on. :/
For the time being it's all practice, yet it's becoming real;
it's all moving along slowly, but somehow; and it's all good.
Except where it's still bad. But even that, can get better.
Dear Characters,
I'm hearing some of you loud and clear. If the rest
of you could speak up? Er, not all at once, please!
Ow! My ears! And I can't type that fast, dammit...
thx,
Aspiring Novelista
Writers aren't exactly people.... they're a
whole bunch of people trying to be one person.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald(seem to be a) verb: morning tea, evening juice Soundtrack: Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band - We Got It Made/Night and Day |
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Nothing you write, if you hope to be any good,
will ever come out as you first hoped.
-Lillian Hellman
Characters are starting to show up in chapters.
This is a good thing.
Not just the characters who are supposed to be there,
or I'd planned to be there, but characters who say,
"I would be there too, and this is what I would say
and do."
It's a chapter. It's a chapter late in my outline,
because at the moment I'm just trying to accomplish
chapters, or scenes, or whatever, without worrying
about how the final result might hold together until
there's a first draft of everything I've planned out.
When I used to catalog books [CDs, online resources,
etc.] I used to joke that I carved away everything
from the cataloging record that _wasn't_ the book.
I wasn't actually joking. The problem with writing
like this is that first, one must produce one's own
clay, stone, metal, or material, before ever pulling
out a chisel and hammer in order to get what's there.
Take 3 pages worth of historical bibliography, put it
in a blender of a brain, puree, slap it on an armature,
let it congeal, and then start shaping to find its form.
My process is not your process.... See you in about
five hundred pages.
-Seanan McGuireNonetheless, this feels right. I'm perfectionistic;
I wish I could write prose that would be correct as is,
an initial copy clean enough to eat off of. How I long
to be efficient! At present, I'm settling for productive.
Maybe with practice I will come closer to some ideal, but
I'm ten-plus years rusty and twenty-five years without
any novel-length effort. So that slack I'll cut myself --
for the time being. (Ask me again in three years. I may
laugh at my naivete, cry at my wasted time, or shrug and
point to my finished work. I know which one I'd rather do.)
The outline is helping. Even if I bend it, or break it,
I can see some boundaries to what I'm trying to create,
and it's becoming less daunting than exhilarating. Yes,
I'm prepared to write this backwards, forwards, and I'm
sure there will even be some upside down at some point.
Because my characters are starting to talk to me.
And that's a good thing. Don't let the fear of the time it will take
to accomplish something stand in the way of your
doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might
just as well put that passing time to the best
possible use.
-Earl Nightingale(seem to be a) verb: typing by day, writing nights Soundtrack: Kelly Hanson - Dancing Days (Raised in Black remix of Zep) |
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I say good night to you by quoting the words of
an old Negro slave preacher, who said, 'We ain't
what we ought to be and we ain't what we want to be
and we ain't what we're going to be. But thank God,
we ain't what we was.'
attributed to Martin Luther KingIf you haven't laughed this week, do it,
if only to spite everyone and everything else.
If you haven't seen the stars, don't worry,
they still see you.
If you are having trouble now, go and do whatever
boosts you and energizes you most at this time.
Even if sometimes, that simply means sleep.
Thank you, Barbara Dubin.
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it
depends on what you put into it.
-Tom Lehrer(seem to be a) verb: running low Soundtrack: Talking Heads - Life During Wartime |
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Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions,
false memories, false namings of real events.
-Adrienne Rich
Generally, by the time one gets around to reading --
or writing -- history, everyone involved in it is dead.
Or at least really old.
While I can sympathize with a poor memory for long-ago
dates and events, and I often disparage my own time sense1,
I hold historians -- and biographers -- to a higher standard.
"Primary" sources are problematic and unreliable enough,
[see _McClellan's Own Story_, or any wrestling autobio]
but viewing characters and events through the additional
filter(s) of secondary works can slowly drive one crazy.
E.g. Charles Russell Lowell was in the cavalry during the
Peninsula, and then was a McClellan aide for a few months.
His biographer is a good writer... but
the bio has errors.
I had skipped ahead into the time period I've been looking at,
and almost immediately tripped over my own jar: George Smalley
was a reporter for the New York Tribune, not the New York Times.
Understandable mistake, yes. Minor, yes. Wrong? Absolutely yes.
The biography also refers to an incident mentioned elsewhere,
but it seems to assign it a different time of day than most.
Given the lack of fact-checking in the rest of this book, do
I just ignore it as an outlier, or should I check the source2?
Forget "write what you know" advice; it's really more like
"write only what you are willing to know way too much about."
It's official: I know too much about the battle of Antietam.
*sigh* I don't mean to complain, mind you - the outline is
finally working and pages are painfully getting written. But
there's so much yet left to do and the days, they get shorter.
1I know what day of the week it is. For the date I consult my computer clock.
Also, I have a 50-50 shot as to which year my mother died.
2If I decipher the footnotes aright, the source materials are in archives at Harvard.
I do have friends in Boston and it would be great to visit there again, but...
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them
as much as you please.
-Mark Twain(seem to be a) verb: chewing thoughtfully Soundtrack: Cinema Strange - Time [Bowie cover] |
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A historian who would convey the truth must lie.
Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise
his reader would not be able to see it.
-Mark TwainSigh, sob, shrug. See "To make bodily motions so as to convey
an idea or complement speech." Maim, mangle, mutilate..
I don't want to get involved in historical reinterpretation
or the minutiae of scholarly arguments, dammit. I just want
to write this crazy thing and get it out of my head already.
This will be *fiction*. Based on history, but still fiction.
Must keep on with the outline of main scenes. Go from there.
( Reason #23 why I don't read alternative history books... )
You have a limited amount of creative energy.
Even when it feels like a bottomless supply, it isn't.
It's finite, if only because there are only so many hours
in a day.
Value that creative energy. Because if you don't,
no one else will.
-Mark Evanier(seem to be a) verb: getting treed in a lumberyard Soundtrack: Robert Plant - White, Clean and Neat |
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Books should not be falling down, sideways, upside down,
or backwards.
-from a training manual for library workers
The time to begin writing an article is when
you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that
time you begin to clearly and logically perceive
what it is you really want to say.
-Mark Twain
...[he] looked across the page to the rest of the book
left in the reader's hand. It was going to be a long epic.
-Bored of the Rings(seem to be a) verb: rubbing blood from forehead Soundtrack: Jeff Healey Band - Something To Hold Onto |
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Pressure, what pressure?! The tension you're feeling
right now in your life will completely disappear if
you just give yourself some time here and there today
to process what you're going through. There is no reason
to panic, no reason to worry. Take a deep breath, and
you will slowly feel your positive thinking building
back up to effective levels. And once that happens,
you'll actually start to feel some enthusiasm for
what you are doing right now.
-Yahoo! horoscope for Leo, 9/9/08Approach your problem from a different angle.
You never know what may be stuck in the works
that you can't see from where you are right now.
Smile if you can't think of anything else.
Then laugh if you can't do anything else.
Life may be a very serious matter to you --
but the sheer matter of life is so absurd.
When in doubt, sleep on it.
Or at least go to bed. Let them shuffle the numbers
Watch them come and go
We're the ones who are out here
Out past the edge of what they know
We can only be who we are
It doesn't matter if they don't understand
I'm your moon
You're my moon
We go round and round
From out here, it's the rest of the world that looks so small
Promise me
You will always remember who you are
-Jonathan Coulton(seem to be a) verb: messing around Soundtrack: Queen - Keep Yourself Alive |
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In preparing for battle, I have always found
that plans are useless but planning is indispensable.
-D.D. Eisenhower [attributed to]
Took today off from work to get the fabled "four-day
weekend". To-do list included: take someone to the airport,
drop due books at library, grab my favorite lunch special,
and spend a chunk of time collecting research from online for
my insane multi-volume alternate history Civil War project
(oh, let's call it _Attack!_, because that is what it is)...
One of my more difficult characters is going to be a doctor.
He's not a major continuing character, but he has an important
role to play within a small, but very, key time period. However,
his autobio has been way long out of print, and he's had zero
voice either within the storyline or in my background thinking.
No more.
Ok, I don't take back everything that annoys me about Google, but
damn, is this helpful and timely! Sometimes, pieces do fall into
place because you've been putting the puzzle together around it...
Organizing is what you do before you do something,
so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.
-A.A. Milne(seem to be a) verb: dancing the night away Soundtrack: Joe Jackson - It's All Too Much |
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A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan next week.
what GSP would have said to GBM
Via the library, I found a reference work that is
likely to help both my novel-length writing projects:
_Everyday Life During the Civil War: a guide for writers,
students and historians_, by Michael J. Varhola.
Unfortunately, once again, someone has used a black pen to
correct certain facts in the book.
Sadly, some of the Amazon reviews bear out that this may be
necessary -- and necessary for more than one section.
The kicker?
This was a book put out by *Writer's Digest*.
I expected better from a group which presents itself as
professional and authoritative. Color me blue and gray
with disappointment.
Nonetheless, it holds enough "intrinsic value" for what
I want to do that I am getting a copy. It's out of print,
but I lucked out on eBay.
I just hope I can hang onto the library copy long enough
to verify and transfer any already-determined corrections.
(No, please, don't get me started on Wikipedia -- either ranting or revising.)
I have a revised Preface and half of Chapter 0.
My main Mac books are getting highlighted
to high heaven, and as "light research reading" I have
crossed the Cross Timbers with one Randolph Marcy and
returned to "civilization" -- circa 1850.
(Sometimes, civilization is overrated. But not when it
involves pizza, a working laptop, and a hot shower.)
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
what Napoleon B didn't have to say to Robert E(seem to be a) verb: propping up the feet Soundtrack: The Jayhawks - Pray for Me |
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So, I attended a ceremony last night.
It was the first event of its kind where
I honestly felt or perceived some sort of
"difference" during the experience.
During the meditation, we were encouraged to
encounter a golden man in a field of grain,
and there to receive a message and a gift.
And then my brain instantly said,
"But it's not a man. It's a deer."
I'm still deciphering the full message but
it involves paths and validation. There's
a lot of difference between the following:
"You are on the right path now."
"You are on the right path."
"You are on the path."
and
"You are the path."
My gift, though, was clear and three-fold.
When the deer fell over, shot through
with a silver arrow for the renewal, first
there was a hide, laid out flat, minus head.
The hide then disappeared, to reveal a
still-beating heart, garish red and blue in
its animation, invisibly connected in mid-air.
Before I could pick it up, the heart also
disappeared, and there beneath it rested a
fragment of antler, which was mine to keep.
The antler?
Grows, branches, falls off, and regenerates.
Changes composition during annual cycle.
Differs even between base and tip.
Is used as part of fighting by males, but
caribou and reindeer females also have them.
Represents the essence of deer in our minds.
Thank you for all my gifts, seen and unseen.(seem to be a) verb: thirsty, need more water Soundtrack: Groove Armada - But I Feel Good |
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Hopefully the first of a series of notes on writing and research...
There is some person who keeps writing comments/corrections
in the margins of Regency romances I borrow from the library.
Normally it's more irritating than either amusing or educational,
but at the moment I know EXACTLY how s/he feels. Grr. I caught 3
in the first 75 pages. Who knows how many more there may be that
I didn't catch due to relative unfamiliarity with this time period,
or because I was just doing a preliminary skim/read for how useful
it might be for what I'm doing.
They aren't simply spell-checking "typos", dammit. These are
errors in the copy that somebody ought to have caught.
Sadly, it's not a library book I can just take back
(with or without corrections...). Currently, I own it.
But I can't trust it without checking. Which is maddening.(seem to be a) verb: chewing Soundtrack: LCD Soundsystem - North American Scum |
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You reach a point where you can either
do something or be somebody.
-Major John BoydHow do you free yourself, even momentarily,
from being somebody in order to do something
instead (or as well)?
Looking to do something with a meaningful
connection, not as defined by anyone else
save this silly goose trying to dissolve
her bottle. Sometimes when we are generous in small,
barely detectable ways it can change
someone else's life forever.
Margaret ChoWorking on recycling or disposing of more.
Trying to take less in.
Been Freecycling a few things.
(Even some books.)
Back to studying language CDs in the car.
Revised a year-old short story.
Trying to eat less.
(Or at least less junk.)
Reading around the occult world a bit, more
as an interested tourist than a participant
(for the time being).
Need sleep.
And dreams. I got into a friendly argument with a colleague about
“appropriate” uses for churches. It started with an
observation he made about how St. Bart’s in Midtown
over-advertises its cafe - and why does a church have
a cafe anyway? He advocates separation of uses, and
deplored as an example, the proposal to turn a church
into a nightclub. I believe instead that churches are
gathering places - in a whole host of different ways,
whether they are cafes, nursery schools, night clubs,
or anything else....
Much of our disagreement was wrapped up in our conception
of these places and activity that is or is not perceived as
illicit. I don’t thinking [sic] drinking and dancing or
listening to music late at night, say at a night club, is
such an illicit activity that needs physical separation from
the observance of spirituality.
_This Place Is..._Not sure if there is any combination
of community and spirituality out there
which would apply to me.
Dancing comes closest at the moment, but
I'm not sure anyone else finds in it
what I do.
Many of my friends have found some community,
but I'm not too sure that I belong.
(If I even should.)
I guess. I guess I'm just not sure. If I were...
Soul ISO: immanence, rather than transcendence. Time is the dominant parameter. The pilot who
goes through the [Observe Orient Decide Act] cycle
in the shortest time prevails because his opponent
responds to actions that have already changed.
-Harry Hillaker(seem to be a) verb: waiting, only partly patiently Soundtrack: Caetano Veloso - Haiti |
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Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that?
We must have perseverance and above all confidence
in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted
for something and that this thing must be attained.
-Marie CurieHeard recently? rain.
Seen recently? rainbows.
Smelled recently? cinnamon plum tea.
Tasted recently? spiced chai latte.
Done recently? danced ecstatically.
Felt recently? myself.
To do yet:
Go outside for lunch.
Live the rest of the week.
Reflect. Channel. Transmute. Try.
Time to write. Fiction.
Look forward.
Thank you, Tamar Amidon.
... have a good time, but not at someone else's expense.
tamidon
Just about a year ago.(seem to be a) verb: scratching my itchy feet Soundtrack: Voodoo People - People Are Strange |
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You're not supposed to settle for okay.
You're supposed to want to be the best.
-an unidentified voice in my head
Well, not entirely *inside* my head, but from
not too far away. Normally I can pin down from where
(or whom) a particularly distorted viewpoint is coming...
This feels externally imposed, and of recent vintage.
As if I've been watching too many reality/game shows,
and partially been internalizing the wrong values.
In my own space, I've been circling around and finally
landed on top of an important insight about my overall
sources, levels, and efforts of creativity which can
flippantly be summarized as "I write most when I'm bored."
More precisely: the types of work I'm doing most within
my current, half-chosen profession, require much the same
type of perspectives that I (would) utilize as a writer.
Unfort, I am not one of those people who is 100% immersed
in a single consistent mindset, and so I can see one reason
why I have the longing to write, but not the performance --
I have been using up much of what I do have, doing my work.
Now what to do about that, is still under consideration. :l
Dear Tir'na na Nogth,
Was it necessary to be so literal in my latest dream by
having my car fall into a sinkhole and I escape upward
to the light without being touched once by the mud? If
that was supposed to be a nightmare, it actually failed.
Though I don't think that was your intention. Sorry if
I missed a cue to go on a spirit quest or something...
I'm a little dense these days, but you know I'm working
on being a less material being in a more spiritual world.
People living deeply have no fear of death.
-Anais Nin(seem to be a) verb: turning my foot Soundtrack: Aerosmith - My Girl |
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Lessons learned:
My biggest problem with partner dances? Is
that one needs a partner to dance with... and I
failed absolutely every bravery check last night.
Calling someone *at home* to check on possible
fraudulent activity on a credit card? Could be
a problem if (1) the person is on the road/at the
store at the time of the charge(s) being made and
(2) the power at the house is off for two days...
A look of almost total chaos? Can mean that progress
is being made, but if you're the one creating the chaos,
all it looks like from inside is a bigger and bigger mess.
However, new and improved? Sometimes, just isn't.
I shouldn't be this tired, but? I've kinda had it.
Mark today off as done. Bring tomorrow on... but
only after I've had some more sleep, please.
Wherever that is, that is.
Thank you, Thomas Dolby. one of our submarines is missing tonight
seems she ran aground on maneuvers...
one of our submarines--
-TDMR(seem to be a) verb: ate and drank in reverse Soundtrack: Thomas Dolby - One of Our Submarines |
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Adjust your circumstances to suit your nature.
-Cary TennisOver the weekend, I had a moment of connection with
the divine.
What, you think that makes you special?
I have had them, though they've been too rare recently, and
generally been achieved with effort rather than spontaneous.
Shouldn't it just happen? If you're trying, maybe you're trying too hard.
Or maybe you're just imagining things.
This one, though, felt a little different than the others.
Granted, I was in a position where it was possible to happen.
But that is often the case, as I seek out things that nourish
me when I struggle. So: I was outdoors, with music and a book,
in a crowd but separated enough. Still, I wasn't trying at all.
Instead, I felt the universe *trying* *around me*. I felt it
nudge here, shift there, and click into place for a moment.
How incredibly ego-centric of you.
I'm just saying that instead of random or forced, it was...
"Welcome back. Visit more often. I'm here waiting for you."
Come on. The universe is blind.
How can it be blind, when it sees through so many eyes?
If spirituality is one's personal, private experience
of the divine, is religion that same experience shared
across a community? Does the communal always change (or
destroy) the personal, or can it actually enhance it?
Since then, cheerfulness, competency, learning, usefulness
mixed up with tired, grumpy, boredom and lack of ambition.
Typical material existence ups and downs.
No, not that special. You wouldn't know me if you saw me;
I look just like everybody else.
But value any glimpse of a world outside -- world ahead.
Thanks for the half-nightmare, Tir'na na Nogth.
So: if the T-shirts are labels, and I had
trouble getting them on and off, and I never
found the one I wanted in time for the start of
my Masquerade entry... how can I change my script?
Books I am reading right now:
_Memoirs of a Spiritual Outsider_ by Suzanne Clores
_Border Reminiscences_ by Randolph Marcy
_The World of Shamanism_ by Robert Walsh
_This Business of Concert Promotion and Touring_ by Waddell, Barnet, Berry(seem to be a) verb: seeking light, sound, & juice Soundtrack: Todd Terry feat. Martha Wash - Keep On Jumpin' |
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noblesse oblige [féminin]
1. Quiconque prétend être noble doit
se conduire noblement.
2. On doit agir en conformité
avec la situation qu’on occupe,
avec la réputation qu’on s’est acquise.
Dictionnaire de l’Académie française
Happiness is that state of consciousness which
proceeds from the achievement of one's values.
-Ayn Rand(seem to be a) verb: pending Soundtrack: Prince - Condition of the Heart |
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Behold a man.
Cast in light,
Reflected in darkness.
The mirror of the man.
Behold a woman.
Outlined in light,
Shadowed in darkness.
Is the mirror, the woman?
Whatever the faults, the fears,
shed some tears sadly,
but remember the good.
Whatever the reasons, the rationales,
don't forget your own rights
in trying to right others' wrongs.
Behold a human.
If you really saw me,
that is what you would say.
Would you be right? Would that be right?
Where are you?(seem to be a) verb: seeking underground Soundtrack: Don Henley - The Boys of Summer |
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No work is insignificant. All labor that
uplifts humanity has dignity and importance
and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Exercise is seldom as bad as I think it's going to be.
Except for abdominal exercises. Those are. But I am doing them.
Only be greedy if it doesn't cost you too much.
If you have no other mantra available to you,
try to count to ten in another language.
And then another. Whatever it takes.
...and this morning: geese were flying southward.
Thank you, Liz Orenstein.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be.
It's the way it is. The way you cope with it
is what makes the difference.
-Virginia Satir(seem to be a) verb: thirsting for a taste of juice Soundtrack: Nightwish - Planet Hell |
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My intentions create my reality.
-Positive Affirmations at About.com
Yesterday:
+ savored taste of first cup of tea
+ practiced Portuguese numbers via license plates
+ ate healthily throughout the day
+ rest of team in Requisite tools training
+ finally freed from fixing HTML and Javascript myself
+ issues with prototype reported, some even got fixed
+ leftover fried rice was still perfectly edible
+ had plenty of spinach and radishes as well
+ reviewed the DwtS exercise DVD, looks useful
+ relaxed in the evening, got to bed early
+ good, encouraging conversation before going to sleep
+ looking forward to spring
Today:
+ slept through the entire night
+ two cute cats waiting for food
+ quick drive to work, practice numbers again
+ issues with prototype being fixed faster than reported
+ plenty of broccoli and red peppers with lunch
+ finally get shower filters ordered
+ use 'searchfu' to find a great template for UI documentation
+ amused how much it looked like something I created at previous job
+ listen to Phantom of the Opera song on the way home
+ have someone else make dinner for me
+ like the taste of the red wine
+ save half of steak for leftovers
+ use more 'searchfu' to find "Notes/Primadonna" lyrics online
+ listen to Jonathan Coulton in the frozen food aisle
+ able to turn someone's van headlights off
+ realize Queen's "Live at the Bowl" is in car CD case
+ give someone a lift home from work
+ start planning to do errands during tomorrow's after-work gap
+ remember dinner plans the night before, rather than the day of
+ looking forward to dancing
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage(seem to be a) verb: thirsting for warmth Soundtrack: Saigon Kick - My Life |
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Do I feel better because I remember to take the vitamins --
or do I remember to take the vitamins because I feel better?
Yesterday:
+ definitely getting over my cold
+ Stojko has figured out the alarm means "Mom's awake! She can PET MEEEEE!"
+ drive to work went well
+ morning was productive, if a little repetitive
+ helped keep conversation going at team lunch
+ good about my diet at lunch
+ grocery store within walking distance for afternoon break
+ some sunshine, not freezing cold
+ afternoon was reasonably productive, with promise of better process tomorrow
+ being on same wavelength with project manager for once
+ good exercise session
+ helpful checkout clerk at Route 1 Giant
+ found out that the Popeye's in Laurel is a drive thru
+ kept dinner size small
+ did not snack later
Today:
+ slept well
+ rained overnight (we do need it)
+ can feel that spring is coming
+ saw a gorgeous black and white longhair cat
+ had an easy drive to work
+ morning was very productive
+ getting on same wavelength with programmer for once
+ afternoon was calmer, but things are still moving along
+ stopped by Mom's organic store on way home
+ no problems with drive home
+ fascinating cloud layers at sunset
+ beautiful image of Jefferson Memorial dome in the hazy dusk
+ listening to Springsteen's "Jungleland" across the bridge
+ getting home as the sun sets
+ leftovers were still good
+ watched "The Abominable Snow-Man" cartoon
+ going dancing to a band I like
Sometimes it's just nice to have someone else
carry your bags, even if you could do it yourself.(seem to be a) verb: waiting impatiently Soundtrack: Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out |
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The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal.
The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.
– Benjamin Mays
One can do things without having a goal, but
then there's no good way to measure progress.
The last couple of years have been both personally and
professionally difficult, but useful. I learned that
things happen, and you deal with them, and move on.
And sadly there *were* a lot of positive things
that I never wrote about, mostly because it takes me
such a long time to write anything -- and then often
by the time I figured things out, the urgency to write
had passed.
I am always very happy about good things that happen to
other people. My friend noire has a new book coming out,
as does ctan. Whuffle and halleyscomet are about to have
their first child. Other people are graduating, marrying,
getting new jobs, studying abroad, moving on, moving out.
Where am I right now?
I'll try to talk more about good things as I go along.
But I know I'm not perfect. And I don't want to crow,
or make other people envious. I work hard -- but I also
know I'm very lucky. And I'm grateful for those of you
who have supported me in good times and in tough ones.
Remember not only to say the right thing
in the right place, but far more difficult still,
to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
-Ben Franklin(seem to be a) verb: keeping things liquid Soundtrack: Center of the Sun (Solarstone's Chilled-Out Remix) - Conjure One |
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New opportunities to use my special skills
now open up for me.
A "Vital Affirmations" Card
So. Another place that I interviewed called, just
two business days after I accepted the first (good) offer.
I cut him off gently and told him about it
before he got to the reason for his call,
so I don't actually know whether
they were going to offer or not.
I suppose I could have let them go ahead,
if they were so inclined.
On Friday, or even Monday, I would have done so.
I was prepared to, then. I was ready for things.
And, I certainly could have used more ego boost.
(For that matter, I still could use it.)
But now it's Tuesday, and I'm struggling here.
I am hoping I've gotten one positive thing set up
for the near future, but nothing feels certain yet.
And I'm really discontented with what is currently,
and I'm not handling it very well. Other things are
continuing wrong, and I don't know how to fix them.
And I didn't need to feel like I was second-choice
or second-rate, any more than I already do. *sigh*
No, this isn't the life I dreamed of, or even wanted
a few years ago. It's just the life I have right now.
But there ought to be more than just being grateful
everyone woke up alive this morning. Isn't there?
So I guess maybe I just wanted to say to someone today
that hey, someone else wanted me in some fashion.
Wanted me as I am now, apparently.
Talked to me and listened to me and liked me.
Even asked what I wanted, and actually gave it to me.
Why is that so hard?
Please renew my connection with life. Please. Please.
I want to see the sun.
I want to be warm.
I want to be.
Don't give up too easily.
Give it your best and feel tested.
-Morgan Green(seem to be a) verb: not quite avoiding the cold Soundtrack: Patty Larkin - Burnin' Down |
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The best lesson you learn today will not be found
in the same old place. You are going to have to move
as far outside your comfort zone as you can stand to go
in order to get the nutritious input that your brain is
hungry for. Experimentation is the key to keeping yourself
sharp right now, so branch out and try out a few new tricks
you have been toying with. Through trial and error,
you will eventually perfect your technique and establish
a whole new best practice.
Yahoo! horoscope for Leo, 10/24/2007
Lift one foot. Doesn't even have to go forward.
Maybe lifting is all you can manage at first.
I've been wanting out of these rat holes I'm dug into.
If you don't have a shovel, use your claws.
I've been waiting on people and places and things.
Maybe they should be waiting on you instead.
I judge myself not by what I am, but by what I do.
That's what makes your not being busy, a real problem.
Someone who's been at the edge of your radar
for a very long time will suddenly move to the
center of your field of vision today. They want
your attention, and they want to inspire you.
If you give them a chance to make their case,
they just might. They are ready to prove to you
that what they have to offer isn't a correction --
it's a suggestion. Getting involved in a new venture
could give you the energy (and ego) boost you have been
looking for, so say 'yes' to a proposal.
Yahoo! horoscope for Leo, 11/21/2007
Do imaginary characters count?
We're just as real as everyone else.
I started this post a month ago.
It took a whole week just to go forward.
Two more weeks to struggle, both inside and out.
In the end, it took them a week to come back.
A week. A whole week. Only a week.
You're good as you are and you know it.
Sure, support from others sure would be nice.
Support from yourself, though, is essential.
Yes, I am competitive -- even in some rather stupid ways.
Get busy and stay busy a while, girl.
You've still got a lot on your plate and
you know there's always more struggle ahead.
But don't forget to breathe, and to dream,
and make more time for the rest of us.
Thanks for the strong support, Tirna na Nog'th.
Keep those words and images coming.
I don't want to stop. (seem to be a) verb: walking from 1 place 2 another Soundtrack: Led Zeppelin - In The Light |
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I won’t finish my life in Timbuktu
Cheeks so tight my lips are turning blue--Be proactive -- but sensibly proactive.
Don't update iTunes if you want
to get something *useful* done quick
on a computer in the following half hour.
Don't mix media late at night
if you're not going to remember
the next morning what you did. I won’t be an old man in Singapore
Playing scrabble and eating petits-foursBe true to yourself -- but consider others.
Why are you jogging down the side of the road
when there's a perfectly good sidewalk there?
11 PM at night just means drivers can't see you.
Can't see you doesn't mean can't hit you.
Coinstar takes 8.9% out of your change
unless you have a "gift card" in mind.
Or, just grab a small handful of coins
as you leave the house. Is that hard?
Thanks for the nightmare, Tir'na na Nogth.
I know quite well who the drowned woman was,
and exactly why I was so angry. Betrayal comes
in so many forms; all of them ugly. Can I go now? J'veux pas finir ma vie à Honolulu
Chanter comme un oiseau ça n'se fait plusDon't panic too early. Stay calm. And
if you do panic, don't stop breathing.
But yes, go outside your comfort zone sometimes.
Even if it's only by an inch. Because inches add up.
Opportunity sometimes comes in through the out door,
wearing a clever disguise as a random stranger in need.
Karma may put you there at the right time to meet it --
but your dharma makes introductions and impressions.
Maybe the unexpected is not always a bad thing?
Maybe. J' voudrai finir ma vie à Katmandouuuu
(Katmandouuuu)
C'est bien plus doux de faire des rimes en "ou"
Mais je veux être givré, triplement givré
Swinguer comme les triplettes de Belleville
-Benoit Charest(seem to be a) verb: fixing the sole - of a shoe Soundtrack: Scorpions - I Can't Explain / Borderline |
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Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life...
-PrinceKnow what you can stand.
Work on what you have trouble standing.
Avoid what you can't stand.
If you can.
Write it out. Write it down.
If u don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around u
At least u got friends--
Some things to be grateful for today:
- Sunshine
- Blue sky
- Hard boiled eggs
- Radishes
- Tea
- Vitamins and minerals
- Sleeping kitties
- Petting sleeping kitties
- Helping someone out virtually
- Clouds
- Rain
- A bright yellow rain slicker
- Backpack with everything in it
- A body that (mostly) works
- Quiet local coffee shop (w/electricity, w/out Internet)
- Iced chai
- Some work to do
- An iPod with bright orange skin
- Some work getting done
- Sleeping kitties waking up
- Waking kitties being petted
- Things to look forward to
Are we gonna let de-elevator
Bring us down?
Oh, no, let's go--!
Thank you, Chris Benoit.
No, not so much for the past few days,
though I have learned much about you,
myself, and others during them. ::(
But thank you for those many years that
you *were* a good person to other people.
What happened this past weekend should not
take those good times away from anyone else.
It just will make us all the sadder that they,
and you, are gone for good, and so horribly.
I don't know what happened to you, Wild Pegasus.
Maybe no one ever really will know "the truth".
But I can guess, I can imagine, and I even suspect
I would understand at least some of it. Not condone;
but there but for the grace of something, could go I.
We're all excited
But we don't know why
Maybe it's cuz
We're all gonna die
And when we do (When we do)
What's it all 4 (What's it all 4)
U better live now
Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door
Tell me, are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down?
Oh, no, let's go--!(seem to be a) verb: being sarcastic. not Soundtrack: Prince - Let's Go Crazy |
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That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
-R.E.M.I already knew, but it was also the very first thing
I heard on the radio as I got into the car.
Driving home tonight was about as creepy a trip
as I've ever taken. Lights were all too bright,
cars were far too close. I had to turn the radio
down twice, and then completely off.
It seemed like people were driving worse than usual.
Then I noticed the 14th Street Bridge goes over water.
I'm so used to going over it, it seldom registers now,
but it did tonight. And the disabled cars, with people
standing so close to traffic doing 50+ mph. And planes
flying low overhead. And... and...
And my chest is hurting because I'm still breathing,
but barely, head and heart both arguing with lungs
and intestines. Long pauses between short breaths, and
a painful pit in the bottom of my stomach, telling me:
"And someday, you know, that will be you. Someday."
No, it's not me. Not yet. I'm still alive, for now.
But you never know, do you. Who, what, where, when.
So often, I don't know how you other people do it.
How do you live daily with the terror that someday,
you'll die? Feeling that there is no one standing
between you and eternity? Worrying there is never
enough time, and seeing what you've already wasted?
Knowing that whenever life stops -- then you lose?
I hate being so afraid of death, what feels like
all the time. Sometimes I feel like it goes away.
I go days, weeks, months without dwelling on it.
And then something happens, to bring it all back.
Or worse. And yes, this is about me, but it's also
me thinking about death and anger and grief and loss
and how you handle it. And me mourning the tragedy of
someone I met in person for a brief moment years ago,
but whose work I have admired for over two decades.
No, I don't want to be just waiting here for death.
Yes, I do want to live. And I don't want to die.
But sometimes, I find myself losing the way.
And so often, I'm so scared.
R.I.P.
Daniel Benoit, 2000-2007
Nancy Daus Benoit, 1964-2007
Chris Benoit, 1967-2007(seem to be a) verb: wasting two hours? u tell me. Soundtrack: Cher - Love and Understanding/Brian May - I'm Scared |
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I have a good friend getting married today. In just a few minutes, in fact.
The wedding is in Detroit, so I was planning to fly in for the day.
However, I am still sick. :( So, I'm unhappy that I'm not there.
But I'm so very happy for him.
Best wishes to Dave and Angie on this next stage of their journey through life.(seem to be a) verb: feeling ill, but well-wishing Soundtrack: Joe Jackson - Happy Loving Couples/Go For It |
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I'm trying to live a quiet, peaceful life
and stay out of trouble, and all it is, is
one thing after another.
Venus Ram[s]ey, Miss America 1944
(Thanks to technoshaman for the link.)
I hope, I hope, I hope -- but
I still don't know what to hope for.
I just try to look forward. To tomorrow,
or to this evening, or to this afternoon.
Because I find if I don't look forward,
I can't *go* forward.
How do I reconcile that with being in this moment?
Especially if it's a moment I don't want to be in.
This is a great time to take another look
at a person who tends to really annoy you.
He or she has viewpoints that you have
a hard time relating to -- but some of
these opinions deserve your attention.
Your disagreements about important issues
may contain valuable lessons for you.
If you can get past your emotional reactions,
you might even find yourself changing your mind.
This is all part of the process of learning
how to think more objectively.
-Yahoo! horoscope for Leo, May 1, 2007
No, somehow, I don't think I'm going to become her.
I'll stay my savage, secret selves, if you please,
safely inside my soft shell made of ruby and crystal,
the lost girl running in and out of time,
the student with the deep-wrinkled forehead,
the cat with the inconvenient soul.
Look hard and you might see something.
Try hard and you might actually do something.
Or, you can just wait around for decay and death.
Your choice. Not mine. Go on. But the things that you see
ain't necessarily the things you can find...
Joe Jackson(seem to be a) verb: steppin' out into the light Soundtrack: Joe Jackson - Dear Mom/You Run Your Mouth |
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Ive seen so many things that made me wonder
But sometimes its hard to tell--
-Lindsey Buckingham
Yesterday:
- sunny
- 8 AM conference call, sounds like workflow is picking up
- still sunny
- sent director, logistics my current project status and upcoming availability
- did I mention sunny?
- went hiking in woods without leaves
- put sunscreen on nose and cheeks
- ate already-shelled pistachios
- sunny and warm!
- saw tadpoles
- made sure to drink water
- heard birds, but never saw one other than a lone crow scouting overhead
- hooray for sunny and warm
- laughed at hearing a power saw
- bought a flyswatter at Target
- my car smelled like hyacinths
- started rereading _Barrayar_ (the one Vorkosigan book I don't own myself)
- dinner involved ground beef, mushrooms, spaghetti squash, and radishes
- relaxed a bit (about 37 on the 40 point scale ;) )
- dancing, did a lot of broad smiling even though no basket whips tonight
- this week's band has improved back to "yeah, gotta remember I like them now"
- still warm when I came home
- but felt cool mist when I went back out to the car
- put the comforter back on the bed
Today:
- wild thunderstorm at 4 AM
- didn't bother to open my eyes to see lightning, just listened to the booming
- dreaming about screaming at someone else
- Stojko was cuddly: purrs, licks, headbutts, flops, the whole kitten kaboodle
- got up late, had my morning cups of tea
- had an article on Bob Dorough read to me after breakfast
- listened to "Verb! That's What's Happening" [cause and effect :) ]
- my desk smells like hyacinths
- Sato seems to have suddenly decided my lap is a okay place to glom onto
- weather sucks. overcast, cooling. blah. more than ready for spring.
- check arrives in the mail
- start planning next few days at least
- keep looking up, if not always forward Here comes the night time
Lookin' for a little more
Waitin' on the right time
Somebody outside the door
Don't blame me
Please be strong I know I'm not wrong
-Lindsey Buckingham(seem to be a) verb: savoring good socks Soundtrack: FMac - Walk a Thin Line/Not That Funny/I Know I'm Not Wrong |
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Heretics of the world, take heart.
There is a place set aside for you
at the table of religion after all.
... for you, O heretics, faith and belief
alone are like painted cakes that cannot
satisfy the hunger and yearning you feel
in your belly and your heart and your soul.
Will Johnson's introduction to
_The Forbidden Poems of Rumi_
Crescent moon,
prod me in the back with your tines,
push me firmly into the daytime,
then welcome me into your curve
when I'm done.
Full moon,
pour forth all your hoarded silver,
let me drink your light to bursting
and beam moonfaced to rival even
the sun's gold.
Crescent moon,
hang me on your hook,
high -- high -- high above earth, to where
I can't tell the cities from stars.
Remove me.
New moon,
hide me in your shadow,
let me weep into your empty seas
until you take all my tarnished tears.
Return me. Composed in tribute to
JoCo's "I'm Your Moon",
JJ's "Fugue 2/Song of Daedalus"
and the upcoming lunar eclipse.
But mostly because Artemis,
when rising from her pool,
longs for her wide wild world full of joy.
Sometimes, the music is all you get.
Try not to hate it for not being dancing...
or go figure out what the right dance would be, already.
-me(seem to be a) verb: grumbling, rumbling, stumbling Soundtrack: Joe Satriani - Dweller on the Threshold |
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Something a little different, maybe, before I post a poem about the moon.
This is a total revamp of a "Tempeh w/Cabbage and Noodles" recipe that I had made once or twice before and remembered fondly. A recent revisit of the recipe was... deeply disappointing, and I was determined to make something with those first two ingredients that worked for me.
Yellow:
small (we had 1.3 lb) spaghetti squash : 132
-- bake 60 minutes at 375 [or 45 min @ 400]
Brown (bigger skillet/pan, start 10-20 minutes into Yellow, before Red + Green):
16 oz tempeh, cut into 1/4-1/2 in cubes : 980
4 tblsp olive oil: 480
1.5 tblsp safflower oil + .75 tblsp toasted sesame oil + 1.5 tblsp sherry cooking wine : 305
2 tblsp wheat-free soy sauce : 20
16 oz=4 c mushrooms, quartered : 60
1/4 c water
-- stir-fry tempeh in 1-2 tblsp olive oil + 2 tblsp soy sauce until golden/crisp
-- add mushrooms and other oils/wine
-- continue stir-fry, adding rest of olive oil every few minutes
-- add water, stir, cover, and let steam over low a few more minutes
Red + Green (smaller skillet/pan, start sometime late in Brown's tempeh stretch):
1 c onion
3 c red cabbage and 2 c green cabbage, slashed into 1" x 2" slices : 175
1.5 tblsp safflower oil + .75 tblsp toasted sesame oil + 1.5 tblsp sherry cooking wine : 305
-- stir-fry onion in oils + wine until golden or brown
-- add cabbage, stir-fry a few more minutes
Red + Green + Brown
-- add Red + Green to Brown; add a little more water, stir, let steam together
-- turn heat off and keep covered for steaming while waiting for Yellow to finish
Total calories : approx 2400
Servings: 6? You'll probably want a bigger squash.
(1) Sorry about the vague times for each step of cooking. I didn't time things well around all the chopping that needed doing, so the cooking in parallel was more of a happy accident than a planned concept. Brown portion took about 20 minutes; Red + Green was probably about 10-15. As long as everything gets cooked somehow, I suspect it's probably gonna be ok.
(2) I tend to use frozen onions, and often caramelize them either accidentally or deliberately.
(3) Don't let this mislead you: I am not in any way a vegetarian. If trying this with meat instead of tempeh, I was thinking either dark meat, or a combo of white meat + nuts, might work.
(4) Original recipe said "season with additional soy sauce and pepper if you want". I didn't want.
Update on 4/17:
(5) On redoing this dish at my place over gas heat in non-non-stick pans :) , found that Brown still needed oil added over time, while Red + Green actually came out rather oily, so next time will split up the flavored oils/wine across both stir-frys rather than just into Red+Green.(seem to be a) verb: contemplating heresy Soundtrack: Cher - Perfection |
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We gonna to do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there
Jerry Reed, "East Bound and Down"At 44, it's frustrating to feel like I'm on
the bottom rung of a ladder. But then look at
all the other ladders I climbed just to get here.
Measure twice, cut once.
I worry too much about what is possible, and
not enough about what I want to (make) happen.
Dream first, budget second.
I keep trying to account for all my time. And
I keep looking at how much others accomplish in
the same period of time, and then I feel inferior. It's sobering to realize, for example, that when
Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
-Tom Lehrer, age 37But I am not anyone else. I have my own priorities.
I have my own needs, wants, desires, responsibilities.
Sure, I may be a bit of an ant. But I'm a damn good ant.
Plan first. Execute second. Adjust all along.
I could have been dead 3 times over by age 23.
Maybe I don't know the reason, maybe I never will,
but I'm still here. As long as I am, I do what I can. It takes a lot of time to learn something new,
so don't be impatient with yourself right now.
Each time you uncover a new aspect of your current challenge,
you will also uncover a new obstacle. This is disheartening,
but it's also very normal. Just keep going and keep learning!
It'll all start to come together soon. You're on your own schedule,
so don't compare your progress with someone else's progress.
Just stay focused on what you need to do.
Yahoo! horoscope for Leo, Nov. 3, 2006(seem to be a) verb: cooling down Soundtrack: Joe Jackson - The Other Me |
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I understand very well being scared of the future.
Fighter jets and fire engines don't make me feel safer.
Just more scared. But that Rumi, he never said life was safe.It's actually very easy to be miserable,
because nothing is ever going to be perfect
in an less than perfect world. Be different.
Do the difficult. Don't add to the misery.
Be glad when times are good.
When times are not so good,
be glad you were so lucky, and
try to make your own luck again.
"And smale foweles maken melodye"
Good memories are doubly precious
- once in the creating,
and again in the remembering.
I wish I had a better memory.
Life can sure be like an oyster. Hard shell;
lots of squishy bits whose edibility is much
a matter of personal taste; irritations; rarely,
a pearl. So, how do I get this thing open again?
"That slepen al the nyght with open ye"
Of course, there's always something profound
from the Beatles. In this case: "The love you make
is equal to the love you take."
"(So priketh hem nature in hir corages)"
Don't wanna run with the big boys, buy bigger toys.
Babies or marriage, they ain't the issue here.
I'm not against either. I just want my own future.
To write, to dance, to breathe, to float, to fly.
To be strong, to be comforted, to be, to see. I.
"Thanne longen folk to go on pilgrimages"
Because a pilgrim has
a clear path,
a destination, and
a plan to return to grace. Deadlines and dollar signs
A cup of kindness and I'll be fine
Gonna patch up all those holes and tears you see
Don't worry 'bout me
-Patty Larkin(seem to be a) verb: mouth breathing, looking thru Soundtrack: Chicago - Something In This City Changes People |
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The lone and level sands stretch far away.
-Shelley
Lives are changing all around me. Marriages,
births, big moves, and the occasional death, too.
My life changes so quietly. I'm too close to see.
I don't celebrate things in a big way. I can be
often grateful for the tiniest things in my life,
but I have no grand memories. The hazard of living
kaizen, or of practicing wu-wei -- no markers, no
monuments, no pedestal of Ozymandius. Only a path
receding back dimly, and moving off forward, into
a hazy distance.
Happy with where I am? Yes, it's better than it was,
I am scared or angry less often, enjoying more.
Happy with what I am? Yes, the more I see of other people,
the more gifted and lucky I realize I am.
Happy with who I am? Yes, but I still want to be more.
A long time ago, a friend read a long list of
"I want" and mentioned that I was missing the word
"hope".
One question I'm having: What should I hope for? But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
-Coleridge(seem to be a) verb: listening to others' plans Soundtrack: Nick of Time - Bonnie Raitt |
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Right Where You Are Sitting Now
-title of a book by Robert Anton Wilson
I don't like being told what to do.
Who do you think you are?
But if I don't put it on my to do list,
it may not get done.
I don't like telling people what I want.
Does it matter?
But if I don't say anything, no one can know
if I want connection.
I don't like talking about myself.
What if you find me narrow, or boring?
What if I tell you too much? Is that worse?
But if I don't share, what does that say?
Sunshine in the backyard. How fleeting it is.
The softness of belly fur on a burrowing nose.
I now own two necklaces and a jeweled hair clip,
but I'd trade them all to get my only ring back.
Music makes me feel better, you can't even imagine.
And I don't want to be too old to dance. Please.
"Becoming an Inner Environmentalist."
... Visualize your inner environment.
Is it cluttered with the debris of
old pain, impossible expectations, or
devaluing assumptions? Is it polluted
by the stench of resentment, envy, or
self-condemnation? If so, begin to
take out the trash! In your mind's eye,
dispose of unwanted and outdated
emotional rubbish in ways that feel
most freeing to you, even to the point
of tearing down and rebuilding the
entire garage if that seems to be the
right thing to do.
-Sue Patton Thoele(seem to be a) verb: drinking water, thinking juice Soundtrack: Loretta Lynn - Have Mercy/Duran Duran - My Antarctica |
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Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.
There can be no courage unless you're scared.
-Eddie RickenbackerI have spent a lot of energy not being angry.
I walk, I breathe, I work, I read, I think.
Or I spend a lot of time fighting my anger.
I dance, I write, I play, I sigh, I sleep.
I acknowledge my anger and I want to move on.
Tired of wasting precious time on the stupid,
the lame, the halt. Sick of the energy drain.
The world is so slow, and I am so fast...
I eat, I drink, I listen. I dream. I hope?
I know I am a very lucky person. I don't mind
being an example -- hopefully sometimes a good one --
but please understand: I am a very lucky person.
I also believe that one often makes one's own luck.
That does not negate the previous statement at all.
And yet sometimes, I wake up afraid. Very afraid.
Patience, listening, trust. Most important?
I believe in magic. I do. I believe that the world
is numinous. Now, if I could just see that more often.
Even if you're running late, if you want to go, go!
Because you never know. You just never know.
Ah, but don't you see: I *am* queen.
Dear Tir-na Nog'th, aka Unconscious,
I understand that you think Standard
Nightmare #2 is so important to repeat
that you ran it as a mini-series *and*
a sequel for summer rerun time. I get it.
I got it. I grok.
Now could we change the channel for a bit?
Forever yours in Amber,
Conscious Shine a little love on my life
shine a little love on my life
shine a little love on my life
and let me see--
-ELO(seem to be a) verb: breathe, so we can breathe Soundtrack: Neil Sedaka - The Hungry Years |
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Every now and then we manage to take a tiny,
unconscious, clumsy step ever closer to the edge,
stumbling toward ecstasy without really knowing
or understanding that we're doing so.
Mark Morford
And then again, some of us are trying to do it
deliberately, through willful spiritual practice...
Daily reminder: It's okay to be assertive. Really.
Breathe more. Breathe louder. Breathe all the way.
Try opening the skylights.
Thank you, Brian May. Si non dominaris, inquit, filiola,
iniuriam te accipere existimas?
-the Emperor Tiberius, to Agrippina(seem to be a) verb: looking forward, drinking deep Soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - Digging in the Dirt |
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...because it's breaking.
-The Tin Woodsman
Frenchy's kidney disease just... accelerated.
( helpless feelings of loss )
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sents -- ton coeur se briser
Accroches-toi a ton reve.
-ELO(seem to be a) verb: breathe ground center breathe Soundtrack: all my music with lyrics in French |
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Shucks, folks, I'm speechless.
-LionFor those of you whom I haven't had
much chance to talk to very recently,
and even for many of those I have:
As of Nov. 28, 2005, I enter a new world.
I will be an independent contractor
in my chosen field of user-centered
analysis, design, and testing. I have
a chance to operate as a consultant
with Human Factors International, and
I am (fearfully) looking forward to it.
Thanks to those who listened so much
when I could talk.
Thanks to those who asked, "What's up,"
even when I couldn't say.
Thanks to those who offered good advice
or provided bad examples.
I have a whole lot to catch up on.
Catch me soon.
I'd rather be good than lucky -- but
dreaming doesn't always have to hurt.
The future is still under construction.
All I can say is, I'll do my best. How do you get the first olivepicker out of the bottle?
1. Unscrew the lid.
2. Show her some olives.
3. Wait for her to pick her way out.
-me(seem to be a) verb: starting to pack up in earnest Soundtrack: Cher - Believe |
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By being receptive, we can avail ourselves
of the spiritual wealth available to us.
By being open, we can receive things
beyond what we ourselves might imagine.
—Deng Ming-Dao in Everyday Tao
To Practice This Thought:
Don't stifle new possibilities because of
your fear, doubt, or closed-mindedness.
from Soul BoosterThe first shoe has dropped.
The other shoe is dropping --
or is it just in freefall?
Yes, I have a little change coming.
Thank you, Eli Manning. Even if He bars all the roads and passage-ways,
He will show you a hidden path unknown to all others.
-Rumi(seem to be a) verb: running around Soundtrack: Billy Joel - Close to the Borderline |
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