My Little Journal of Positivity

This afternoon I stood in the yard in the rain.

There was earth and stone, cool wind and breath,
water in drops and blasts and broken sheets.

And small -- so small - sparks of fire, burning
like navigational stars in a lost universe.

And there are still flower petals on the car,
after the deluge, as the storms move on.

The divine should not be somewhere out there.
The divine should be in here.

Come back to me.
Or let me go.
Or find me here, and take me there.

Don't look at yourself in the mirror.
Look at what is reflected in the mirror,
if you wonder what I see.

If you don't wonder? Then I don't care.

I dreamed last night that someone
stole my wallet, drained my bank account,
and maxed out my credit cards.

You were there.

I can be vulnerable with someone I trust,
but you have to *be* that person.

Or not.

Dear Tir'na Na Nogth,
I can't run away from home
if I don't know where it is.
And I don't know where I'm going -
Only that I'm not there. At all.

Forever yours in Amber,
Conscious

I hate midwinter.

Everyone who knows me, knows I hate midwinter.

Gonna put one foot in front of the other
until spring.

Going slowly, maybe.

But going.

And yet... I'm close to the divine.
I can feel it. I have seen it. Touched it, even.

I hear you calling.
Please let me hear what you are saying.

I'm not good with change, but it does happen.
This year is likely to be more stressful and busy
than usual, so I'm being proactive where I can be.

Posted notice: I will still be reading LiveJournal,
but will be cross-posting from Dreamwidth. All of my
previous entries are backed up there. Just in case.

Thank you all for being there. Wherever there is.

I see so many people struggling.
I hear so many people hurting.
The strong get torn down;
the weak get torn up.
How can I make this world less dark?
You tell me, and then we'll both know
how to reach out in a lack of light
and touch without shocking each other.

(Unless we both need the electricity.
Then please, oh please, let the juice run.)

I've seen the divine. Quite recently in fact.
But I don't see how to get there from here.
So far. So far.

Yet the future keeps right on coming.

I do not object to making sausage, eating spaghetti, and
batting clean up. But doing all three at once? A bit much.

I am grateful for any help and understanding I receive.

So far, so far, so far.

I want to go where nobody knows my name.
I want to go a long way.
I want to go.

Please let me go.

I did not dream last night.

Ssy, have you seen me recently?
I'm not exactly lost,
but I don't feel very found.

I want to sleep long enough to dream.

I'd like to be present in the moment.

I need to get by.

Right now.

Breathe.

Walk away.

Have been pondering "communities vs. individuals" a lot.
Connection vs. disconnection. Can you have both?
How do you balance the social and the solitary?

Feel like I'm looking for a practical spirituality
and not finding it. I believe in immanence... but
right now I'm not sure it believes in me.

People are hard. Groups of people are harder.

Am I crazy? Is it me? Is it you?

So, this post is not about Italy. It's about Japan.

A friend recently commented that he didn't think of me
as a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl. :) I was entertained
because that's close what I think of as my "normal state",
but this friend has generally seen me (1) in contexts where
I should be wearing fancier clothes, or (2) when I'm cold
and wearing sweater or sweatshirt -- which are often hiding
a T-shirt.

(1) involves everything from work to dancing, and I get as
close as I can to social norms without sacrificing too much
to fashion; (2) includes everything under, say, 65 degrees.

But I have certain T-shirts that between physical comfort
and emotional meaning, I come back to again and again. Some
of them are so worn and tattered now that I only unfold and
don them for "special occasions". Others hang in there -- or
more precisely, don't hang because they often get yanked out
of the clean laundry basket before folding even occurs.

Two of them involve Japan in some way, which is why this post
comes out in this particular way and this particular time.

I went to Japan in Aug. 2007. Not to go to the Worldcon in
Yokohama (just like I went to Los Angeles in 1996 not to go
to Worldcon). As Patty Larkin would say, "Just to go."

Just to be.

I've lost my luggage in the Tokyo subway locker system;
bought a CD from a band named Hanamizuki playing free on
Minato-Mirai plaza; seen The Great Sasuke and Ultimo Dragon
performing at Korakuen Hall; stood in the Ghibli Museum
wearing my Princess Mononoke T-shirt; and climbed to a peak
of Daisetsuzan, aka the "Roof of Hokkaido".

And:

I've used the Internet to discover the best "jingisukan"
in Sapporo, and Lonely Planet to locate its two sublime
ramen-noodle alleys; stopped over in Tomokomai because of
a poster for an exhibition of matchbox art; experienced
shinkansen and subways, ryokans and train sleeping cars,
but did not try a capsule hotel; and discovered "umeshuu".

And:

I've chatted with train conductors, zookeepers, members of
art museums, convenience store attendants, early morning
sushi aficionados, temple attendants, and more: I, in my
stumbling Japanese, them practicing English eagerly in turn.

And:

I've been to Sendai. I have a picture of the train station
sign for Hachinohe because I loved its kanji. I've walked
the streets of Aomori, provided crazy gaijin amusement for
their police dept., and had to eat a "tako doonatsu" that
my kosher-eating companion bought by mistake while he was
still catching up to me on transliterating and translating.

My language is rusty again, and my bottle of umeshuu is just
about empty, but my expired rail pass is still in my backpack.
For I do miss that alien self, adrift in a stranger's world.

Clad in a T-shirt, and jeans.

So, my Japan: never #1 on my list of places I'd want to live
(that'd be a slightly smaller island known as "the Big Island"),
but in the top 3. Because I never expect to "belong" anywhere,
and I would even tell you I don't like to travel... just to be.

Even now.

So, send help if you can. Or at least a positive thought or two.

Earlier heard birds.
Now, sere silence of dead grass
Scratched by vehicles.

Bobcats squat in mud,
Yellow screaming against brown,
Clawed wheels churned deep.

The sober of cold
Stays outside blue neon bars
Not drinking it in.

Shelves filled with shiny
things I do not want to buy;
I do turn around, and leave.

You level and build
Metal trees and plastic wood
Over life's underground.

You sweep your streets free
of the broken and feral --
no place for me, here.

Beware the beast, then,
Prowling civilization
With no affection.

Later, sun through glass
redeems one moment -- but a
window remains closed.

I also declared to the world at large that I would ride it out, and
I would not allow X to ride me. But to go from where I was to where I
wanted to be, I needed something. I needed an anchor, an image, a peg
to peg this process on, so that I could go from there. And I found that
in my dance, my dance, my strength, my energy, my passion, my very life breath.
-Ananda Shankar Jayant, TED video

Feet? Check. Hands? Check. Brain? Check.

Will the real me please stand up? Oh, there you are...

I think. But I feel the Big Cat Blues.

As the saying goes – the only way out is through. Explore the deficiencies,
the hidden beliefs. Open them up to the light of awareness. The truth will
set us free. The false dissolves. Only the real remains.
John, in Open Secrets

Do you ride the lion, or does it ride you?

I need more words, more music, more dance, my voice.

I want to go to the end of my world -- my jungle.

I would like to walk around being a lion, and
not worrying about being king or not.

I intend to stretch.

I see you.

In every flower that blooms --
tree that leaves --
bee that buzzes --
wasp that stings.

I see you in the ice on frozen driveways,
and the water flowing in Winters Run,
and the steam rising from cow manure
dropped in a cold Jarrettsville dawn.

In pine trees, and weeping willows, and crabapples.

I hear you in the chatter of chickens and
the chewing of cows, in political discourse
and private confessions, and in everyone's
laughter.

I hear you in groups, in tete-a-tetes, and
in silence.

You are there every time I darn a sock, or
change my oil, or go to work, or do my taxes,
or come home, or listen to music, or read a book.
Right there -- and generally adding your opinion!
(We don't always agree, but it always has value.)

I touch you in flannel and in velvet,
in rusted steel and the fur of animals,
in fuzzy sweaters and cotton/polyester,
in the rocks of the field
and the bones of my hands.

I taste you in overcooked roast beef
and fresh asparagus, in white rice
and red spices -- cinnamon, paprika,
and catsup.

I smell you in fresh-cut wood
and in turpentine, in new-mown grass
and in bales of straw, in summer's air
and autumn's fall.

(Oh, can't forget lemon-scented Pledge.
Otherwise, I hate lemon -- just about
as much as you seem to love it.)

And best of all, in all my senses,
I can perceive you in others'
hearts and minds.

Whatever you eventually reincarnate as, be it
Buddha or beetle, I know one thing for sure.

Your spirit, is gonna cause some mischief.

I dreamed last night that I felt fine,
but that some doctor was convinced I needed
an immediate operation to remove something
dangerous.

But I could never get an answer from him, or
any of the hospital staff what, exactly, was
the problem.

Despite going back into the dream -- twice! --
to try and get an answer from them. Or anyone.

Ah, sometimes Tir'na Na Nog'th is a subconscious.
And sometimes, just a left turn at Albuquerque.

Still, I think maybe I know what it means.

The answers lie in me and no one else.

More later, I think. Cleaning, sorting, changing
and throwing out are all short-term items on the
long-term plan.

I dreamed last night I was the last
passenger on a jet plane with 16 cabins
which varied wildly in accommodation.

Fourteen passengers were already on board.
split evenly between friends and allies
and so there were only two cabins left
for me to choose from.

One was the smallest, just a white closet.

The other was the largest, with controls,
monitors, and a VHS deck containing a tape
labeled "Safety Procedures for This Flight".

Ah, sometimes Tir'na Na Nog'th is a subconscious.
And sometimes, just a hard slap in the face.

I dreamed last night that my first solo flight
in a helicopter was to a town in North Carolina.
Three important people were my passengers.

From there, I found I needed a (new?) map
to go on.

Ah, sometimes Tir'na Na Nog'th is a subconscious.
And sometimes, just a mirror.

1. Get on bus [normally 10-15 minute ride].
   
2. How about a quick email check on mobile phone?
   [Motorola CLIQ:Android, 2 weeks and still shiny]
   
3. Open [in GMail] a promotional email from a
   certain major book/etc. retailer touting their eReader!
   
4. Specifically touting "Got a BN eReader? Get a Free Coffee!"
   
5. Don't drink coffee, but do like the idea of a BN eReader.
   Am trying out 2 different ebook apps already, sure, add a third...
   
6. Text in email that says "Download eReader" is bold and
   differently colored. Try clicking that to download. Success?
   
7. Fail. Does not download eReader(or do anything else).
   
8. Irritated and pressed for time, so missed seeing smaller
   link farther down page -- after some more promo text -- which says
   "Download it now". It? What's an 'it'? I'm skimming for 'eReader'.
   Fail.
   
9. Also ignore link at top saying "Hurry! Offer Ends July 15.
   Coffee's On the House - When You Show the eBook You're Reading*"
   not expecting it to do anything other than blather on more about
   the promotion, how wonderful coffee is, how wonderful ebooks are,
   etc. Because I don't care about the coffee, dammit, and I'm not
   reading an eBook yet because I don't have your eReader yet. Fail.
   
10. Use a link in email to go to major book/etc. retailer
    website home page.
    
11. Search for 'eReader'.
    
12. Search results don't bring up eReader in 4 results,
    but do have link to "Download eReader" in footer. Success?
    
13. Fail. Link says "page not found".
    
14. To add insult to injury, it suggests I use search.
    
15. Impatient [bus has turned onto Columbia Pike] I go to
    Google and search 'barnes noble ereader'. [I used to be a
    librarian, kids, don't try this at home.] Link to [correct]
    page shows up 2nd or 3rd.
    
16. Go [back] to BN via Google. Find "Download eReader."
    Success?
    
17. Fail. Link wants to send me to iTunes to download. WTF?
    If I wanted iTunes on my smartdevice I woulda bought an iPhone.
    
18. [Whole rant re: years of me vs. iTunes deleted for time.]
    
19. Bus is now on Hayes St. I have about 3 more minutes of
    Internet connection before going into heavy shielding [aka the
    DC Metro]. Back to Google and search just 'eReader'... looking
    for reviews, maybe, to see if this thing is even worth my time.
    
20. See a result for ereader.com. Ooh! Go there. Success?
    
21. Maybe! Top banner even says "a Barnes & Noble Company"
    and in left nav there is a top link for "FREE eReader Software
    ▪ Download Now!" Click on that.
    
22. Ooh! Nice listing of phones and Android is right there!
    Click on "Android", hoping it doesn't route me back to iTunes...
    
23. Adds "eReader for Android" choices at bottom. Extra step,
    but I sure feel I'm on the right path now... click on that as
    bus turns into Pentagon.
    
24. Android applications manager tells me I'm default set
    NOT to install apps that are NOT from the official Android store.
    Oops. I know how to fix that, though. Quick detour through Settings
    and I'm downloading and installing eReader.
    
25. Launch eReader. Hmm, no obvious BN branding? Sure hope
    I have the right app... can't worry about that for the next 5
    minutes as I transfer modes of transportation and lose Internet.
    
26. Temporary reconnection as subway crosses above river.
    List of ebooks available. Choice for Categories or "View ebooks
    by Author". [I used to be a *cataloging* librarian, kids, so I
    know how erratic categorizing fiction can be.] Authors! Ooh!
    
27. Nooooo! Search and browse design unthinking! Gives me
    a list for 'A' authors, with choices at top for the other letters
    of the alphabet. However, it also alphabetizes the middle initial
    A. as the start of a last name.
    
28. And, it displays results as 'first name last name'.
    
29. And, should you scroll down to 'Mariano Azuela ' at
    bottom of 'A' list, no way to get to 'B' list without scrolling
    back up to top of page, which is a royal pain on mobile devices
    where the screen is long and thin.
    
30. Back underground and on to work, via a maze of twisty
    corridors that all look alike...
    

If you did something for me?
Thank you. I appreciate it.

If I did something for you?
You're welcome. My pleasure.

And if we didn't do anything?
It's okay. Try again tomorrow.

I feel my connection to the divine.
I'm grateful for the light and heat.
But a rainstorm would be lovely too.

If I were a believer in omens, this morning I
missed the bus *and* the elevator to work is broken.

And then, the cursor on my laptop froze in place.

And I'm thirsty. Still so thirsty.

Sometimes the 60GB iPod acts more like an
audible tarot deck than a soundtrack to life.
This morning's zodiac clockwork orange spread:

Blue Oyster Cult - "Real World"
Loretta Lynn - "Mrs. Leroy Brown"
Donna Summer - "I Remember Yesterday"
The Joker's Wild - "Crazy Lady"
Sue Foley - "Let My Tears Fall Down"
Scorpions - "Nightmare Avenue"
Joe Jackson - "Rant and Rave"
Blue Oyster Cult - "Hot Rails to Hell"
Bizarre Inc. - "Playing with Knives"
Stephen Halpern - "Trance-ZENDANCE"
Marillon - "Alone Again in the Lap of Luxury"
Lambert, Hendricks & Ross - "Halloween Spooks"

and the hidden baker's dozen song was...?
Lee Press-On and the Nails - "Jumpin' Jive"

Other people make decisions without me.
Why can't I?

Unless maybe the decision doesn't matter.

Dear Tir'na Na Nogth,
Did I really need dreams invading my waking hours?

Well, yeah, maybe I do.

But next time, just drive-by with a bunch of Swords.
Faster, more elegant, -- and I do like to recycle.

Forever yours in Amber,
Conscious

Seems like I'm most impressive at a (safe) distance.

The farther away you are, the more interesting I am.

Maybe I should move very far away from anyone else.

Do I feel better because I take the vitamins,
or do I take the vitamins because I feel better?
Or maybe the vitamins take me.
Whatever. Just take the vitamins.

Easy games can provide a sense of accomplishment.
It may seem like a "false" sense because the game
is not "real". But you, and your play, are as real as.

Try asking for what you want. It's hard to hear nos,
but at least you're speaking for yourself when you do.

More honey than vinegar. But vinegar can bring the tart.

Let's face the music -- and dance.

Too long a cooped-up lionness --

Every song I've mixed this year has been true, if you only knew.

Even the ones you didn't hear me play a thousand times, thinking.

... a secret out, a secret in.

Break in, break out,
but not break up,
not break down.

The brakes are off.
The drive is on.

Not broken, just the breaks.

A secret out, a secret in...

Sing me, sing you, sing cuccu too...

The world goes swift around
On an axis that shifts instant;
Sometimes it seems sound
that only change is constant.

Dreams are hard to share
Being so personal a metaphor;
For our needs that need care
Are the why that dreams are for.

Your time is not anyone else's,
So allot your hours as you may.
Call it a virtue to be selfish --
If that new self meets others halfway.

Longings deferred be not longings denied,
Long distances need not estrange --
A walk on your path can be tried,
But only my own can I change.

Groweth sed, and bloweth med,
and springst the world anew.
Spring and summer are coming, she said:
In season, let our own selves come true.

Statement 1: I am comfortable in myself and I value my friends.
Statement 2: I value my friends and I am comfortable in myself.
Do you feel any difference?
Do you feel any different?
Do you believe any differently?

I believe there's a difference between a
pain in the heart and a pain in the neck.

I believe there's a difference between
education and a lecture.

I believe there's a difference between
honey and vinegar.

If you don't understand me or
think I should be different,
you don't understand me and
you're right, I am different.

And you know, if you think me childish, then
hey, I think I'll run along and play now.

When I was a child, I read Thor Heyerdahl.
So I've been in sacred caves on Easter Island.

When I was a child, I read Joy Adamson.
So I've been to the savanna and run wild.

When I was a child, I read J.R.R. Tolkien.
So I've been to Middle Earth and met Ents.

I'm not bad at traveling once I get going.
But I never really understand it
until I get there.

If then.

I want to go to the place where I want to be.

You know where that is?

I don't.

Tao is about ten thousand things,
and the one.

Try to deal with ten items a day. Move them around,
use them up, throw them out, whatever works.

Whenever eating anything with tomato sauce, remember to
wear a black shirt and also have the laundry hamper handy.

There must be at least a hundred ways to game a system.
When in doubt, consider that anything can be solved
given enough time or willingness to break things.
Which one would you choose?

That's a minimum of ten items, by the way.
You can always go to eleven if you want to.

Do things you enjoy.
Do things you can.
Do things.

A picture can be worth a thousand words. Though sometimes
one word is "Aww..." and it just gets repeated a thousand times.

Thanks Bill, Berry, Cait, cats, and Wolfie.

Step, step, step.

If your foot lands in mud, pull it up, shake it off.
Go on.

If your other foot lands in shit, pull it up, shake it off.
Go on.

Go to the bathroom first.
Then drink deep from your mystical cup.
Pry your ghost loose from its shell,
and find a right space for your words.

Point out the middle path, and
reconcile the polarities. Bring
creativity and flexibility to
the way you go about your way
in the world. Move slowly and
deliberately if change is required.

Don't be too proud to ask for someone's
help. Sometimes you do get it.

What kinds of negative messages,
self-doubt or paranoid fantasies
descend upon you from time to time?
Don't let them undermine your ability
to be who you are and to contribute.
Examine them and give them each a name,
and identify them as separate from you
(imagining them as little demons can help).
This will increase your dominion over them.

Turn the page. Write the next line.
Take my foot off the brake already!

A path is traversed one step at a time.
A navigator can help you find the way.
Is it a lantern, or only an hourglass?

Simon says: take a baby step, baby.

Walking home from work last evening,
I walked into the wind.

Walking to work this morning,
I walked into the wind.

I feel on the verge of uplift --
but the wind is always in front,
and I don't know how to sail.
Or remember, yet, how to fly.

I realize that I am very lucky.
It is a measure of my own 'success'
that I have room to look for more.

Sitting out in the sun to read, it helps.
And the scent of hyacinths, in the market.
On the verge of something I feel, I can't see.

I try to savor today, yet can't help but ask:
is it tomorrow yet?

Is it fair to make this post just after midnight?

In a new month, to boot?

Yesterday: felt like the first time I've breathed
for days. I still had moments of anger and wasn't
being productive, but I cleaned out some stuff.

- walk outside
- see the sun
- mail a box
- have chai
- get more radishes
- return all library books
- drop off recycling
- listen to music
- work on stretching my mind
- share some time
- stay warm
- be sadly amused
- remember "I could have told you that at Cardosa"
- plan for future organizing
- continue research

Today:
- go to sleep.

Assimilate your information.

Do the thing you are meant to be doing.
Yours. Not anyone else's -- not your mother's,
your best friend's, or the President's.
Your thing. Right now, and tomorrow too.

Write first. Worry later. Or not at all.

It's only the future.

Don't forget to breathe.

(And if you need to dream, try sleeping.)

Thank you, Sondra Venable.

Write down the facts.

Down time. Dead time. Resentment. Resistance.
Have not been as productive at work recently.
Didn't write words three of the last five days.
Forgot to use two coupons to save on books.
Have done zero shopping for the holidays yet,
and have no idea what to get anyone, either.
Spent a week waiting on someone to call me back
about something important, albeit not urgent.
Skipped possible dancing opportunities twice.
Can't focus on anything to look forward to.
Connected with the divine all Wednesday night --
but connected with nothing since then.

Write down your subjective self-talk.

"You'll never accomplish what you want to.
You're going nowhere right now and that will
never ever change. Everything before this was
just a lie, to get your hopes up. You're not
paying attention to anything or anyone important
and you are unable to change your bad patterns.
Look at your inconsistent control of your diet.
Think of all the things you haven't done by now.
You hate the 'holiday season'/this time of year,
and you resist any encouragement or insistence
from others to be happy, or participate in it;
it is unnatural not to enjoy this, and you have
no right to be/feel so different from others."

Describe your emotional response.

I feel like I'm not who or what I think I am,
and that's frustrating after a too short period
of feeling better and more "me" than usual. I feel
like I must not really have the self-discipline
or abilities I envision myself as having, and so
I'm a terrible being - a waste of time and space.

I also hate having my schedule/routine disrupted;
and Thanksgiving through New Year's is a time
every year when that happens to me.

I also really hate being told by others that I
"have to", "should" or "must" do certain things --
even if I agree and believe in them, or not.

And then I hate myself for not being thoughtful
of others, and for not sharing their happiness.

I have become so afraid to look forward to the
future for fear of disappointment. I'm afraid
to try to change things -- even broken ones --
for fear of renewed, or different, failure.

Then I'm mad at myself for not even living up to
my own expectations - for not finding hope in
things - for not going forward all the time.

Dispute and change irrational self-talk.

I don't normally regret for long things, esp
minor ones, which I have not done once they are
past. Also, I am usually good about discharging
my obligations without undue resentment. I must
be feeling a lot of extra performance pressure
imposed on me by myself and perhaps (knowingly
or otherwise) by others. Part of this may be my
(mis)perception of others' expectations of me...

I know this time of year is always very difficult
for me, when it gets dark and cold and my routine
is thrown off, and I don't feel like celebrating.

I also know I am often afraid of change because
I don't know what will happen afterwards --
and I may not be in control of what does.

This is all conflicting with my desire that
*this year*, "things will be different":
because I have things I really want to do
and relationships that I want to maintain,
or improve, despite my feeling lethargic and
disconnected, and overwhelmed by pressure.

Substitute alternative, rational self-talk.

You've run into a whole bunch of roadblocks!
Let's take them one at a time out of that wall.

You do good work, and that will continue.
However, you would like periodic feedback
from others that you are helpful and useful.
At present, you're not getting much of that.
But you will have your annual review soon and
that should tell you where you stand and what
you can do to improve yourself or help others.

You did write, two days out of five. Both days
you did extra beyond your (self-imposed) goal.
Two of those other days you did some research
that you've recorded in your notes to support
your upcoming work. Plus you should have some
help with your research as you get organized
and know what -- or who -- to ask for.

More books? You have plenty to go through yet!
There will be other chances -- and coupons --
whenever you finally need more reference works.

As for your unhappiness about holiday shopping,
this is a manifestation of your fears about money,
uncertainty, and simple lack of time, as well as
frustration with insistent insanity in spite of
both negative and positive reality checks. However,
you generally shop for others via wish lists and
gift cards. You also try to help others who need it,
via charity donation requests or invisible acts of
kindness. It all happens, at an appropriate level,
in a way that works for both you and the recipients.

You did collect needed contact and resources
information, so that you can now proceed with
settling something you've procrastinated about.
You are taking steps to take care of yourself in
smaller and larger ways; however, there will be
moments when you fall down, for whatever reason.
Blaming yourself never helps get you back up.

You have celebrated, and will celebrate, with
someone important to you; even if you do feel
fear of the implicit acknowledgment that time
passes, you can still be grateful for all the
time that is, and all your presences in it.

In addition, you are back in touch with people
both close and far away from you, and you have
another chance to let them know what they mean
to you. You can do things you want to. It's ok
to balance that with what others want you to do.

Remember: a phone is simply a tool. Use it.

Notice your thoughts and feelings,
acknowledge them non-judgementally,
and let them go.

I feel these things. They may or may not be
rational, but I do not discount that I feel.

Refuting the irrational idea:

Look back. It was not a lie; it is your path.
Look down. Those are your feet, standing still.
Look forward. There is your chance to take steps.
Look up. Remember standing in a concrete courtyard
a few nights back, all those lights shining upwards
and one star looking down through reflected glory?

You haven't left the universe, any more than it's
left you. It finds you even in this. The universe
has a weird sense of humor, you see, by making you
go through ecstacy just to get to the laundry.

Fear of failure is understandable, especially when
you have been used to success. But the worst that
can happen could still be for the best if it frees
you from further fear of failure. So why not try?

Tactics:

Listen to any music that helps right now.
Skip the rest until sumer is icumen in.

If there's blockage in the way, you have always
found my own unique way to get past it. Use your
innate resistance, rather than feeling used by it.
They say you can't, or you shouldn't? Say: "I can.
I will. I must. And no, I won't let you stop me."
Aikido your critics with their own negative energy.

Continue to get rid of ten things a day
to make room for the ten thousand things.
Then you will have what matters most to you.

Breathe.
Breathe once just to go in and out.
Breathe twice, to reestablish the pattern.
Breathe threefold -- for those who were,
for those who are, and for that which will be.
Then keep on breathing, however you do it.

Continue to celebrate even the smallest things.
If you don't share another's joy at this time,
don't disrespect it. Find it in your own terms.
If only the fact that the year, and the wheel,
will continue to turn -- that spring will come.

Listen to others -- but find your own voice.

Recently I asked for any recommendations of good works
in two specific genres: U.S. Civil War fiction and
alternate histories. (That's the short form of it.)

Lest you think I am not open-minded or omnivorous
even when I'm immersed in my own ongoing insanity,
here's what comes home with me when I have .5 hours
in the local library.

_Voices of the Civil War: The Peninsula_ - Time-Life Books.
_Daily Life in Civil War America_ - Volo and Volo.

Think you see a theme there? Guess again!

_Murder at Manassas_ - Kilian

Not only historical USCW fiction, but a mystery!

_Modesty Blaise: the Night of Morningstar_ - O'Donnell

Wait, where did that come from [a "people are reading"
display. Have earlier books in series and love them.]

_This Business of Urban Music_ - Walker

Left field? One of my favorite books last year was a
terrific handbook on concert touring and promotion.

_Green Inc.: an environment insider reveals how a
good cause has gone bad_ - Macdonald

More inside information on an industry I'm curious
out. I'm more fanatical than many of my friends but
not as rabid as some. Willing to listen but keeping
an open mind (and still believing that doing things
to save the world may help oneself before all else).

_The Animal Dialogues: uncommon encounters in the
wild_ - Childs

Right off the new books shelf. Don't listen to public
radio so have never heard of this nature essayist, but
anything that mentions "the North American cheetah"
on the back of the book has a good chance with me. ;)

_The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse_ -
Rankin

Paperback so I can read while standing up on subway.
Great title. A serial killer in a toy town? Try it.

_Adventure Guide to the Virgin Islands_

Under negotiation. Warmth in Jan. or Feb.? Maybe...

_Night Child_ - Jes Bartis

Occult forensics in Vancouver. [Technically, this
isn't from *this* library, but 2/3rds in has become
unexpectedly good writing so deserves a mention.]

Seanan McGuire has an interesting essay on
Know Your Territory: that one needs to be
somewhat familiar with the genre one is writing in.

Sadly, this applies hard to me: I am creatively stranded
in unfamiliar territory. I read a wide variety of stuff --
not just "speculative fiction" -- BUT I am not familiar
at all with the subgenre of alternative history. My soul
is firmly rooted in heroic fantasy, dammit! Nonetheless,
somehow I got this idea that wouldn't go away....

I agree with her in principle and I am trying to do this,
but it has some problems. The most irritating thing about
working on this alternate history idea has been not doing
the historical research (or even doing the writing itself,
though it's early yet) -- it's been doing just this kind
of "market research" on other books "in the genre".

It's been like adding 50% again on top of all the other
work one is doing to unearth and ground one's writing
PLUS having to suffer through stuff that isn't good, or
isn't right, or simply isn't "what I want to do with it".

[Or rarely, it's so good one despairs, at least for a few
minutes. Then one grits and grinds and gnashes one's
competitive teeth together and gets on with it again.]

Specifically in my situation, where does one draw the line?
What is "alternative history"? _Guns of the South_, sure,
but how about _Gone With The Wind_? Gingrich-Forstchen's
_Gettysburg_ series looks to be popular, but it's almost a
polar opposite of the kind of fiction I want to write. If
that's what people really want, maybe I'm doomed. [Or is it
just a matter of getting a vaguely-related celebrity name
on the book cover? *rolls eyes* If it was a choice of "by
Sarah Palin and..." or not being published, WWTDCD? :P ]

So I agree with her -- and yet.... :) Maybe I need help.

I turn to you, dear reader, for you are reading this and
I blithely assume you may read other things as well.

Have you ever read anything that you consider either:

(a) a *good* work about the Civil War era? Emphasis here
is on fictional works, but if you have a favorite auto/bio
or nonfiction item, go ahead and rave about it. I may read
those too -- someday. Major bonus points for anything that
conveyed the flavor of the time without being ponderous, and
the characters didn't seem too anachronistic (or saintly!).

(b) a well-done alternative history piece? Doesn't have to be
U.S. Civil War, but it would help if its backing history is not
*too* obscure. 14th century Ojibwa culture may be Fascinating
enough for Mr. Spock, but I lack time to immerse myself in it.

I am aware of David Weber and Eric Flint, and Patrick O'Brien.
Go ahead and explain what appeals to you in them! Bonus points
if you can convince me to read them.

Thanks in advance just for reading this. Also if you respond.

Maybe it's ok to feel a little bit empty.
Maybe it means that you have grown bigger
and are waiting for something else to fill you.

Pearls aren't a behavior -- they're a result.

If you can't do it on schedule,
at least do it.

If you can look outside yourself,
there are other people out there.
Course, that goes for inside, too.

Sometimes, one realizes that one foot
got one a lot farther than one realized.

Beat the dog and the lion will behave.

Thank you, George P. Kelley.